You love your kids. They are your entire world. Being a mom is a job that does not get enough credit. You’re tired. You’re tired of scraping encrusted cheerios off the kitchen floor, you’re tired of stepping on Lego’s, you’re tired of you toddler throwing a tantrum in target.
I comment on your little girl, “Her little curls are just so cute! What an angel!” And you reply with something like “Oh she’s quite the handful, enjoy your time without kids!”
But you have no idea. I would give anything to be a tired mom.
Even though I lost my pregnancy months ago, it still stings like it did when I first received the news. I learned and grew so much from having to go through my miscarriage, but there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. What could have been. How big my belly would be today, If it was a boy or a girl, If we would have a name picked out yet…
I get more anxious as the days get closer to the due date:
Christmas eve. How will I feel? Will I be strong? Will it hurt just as horrible all over again? Will I be pregnant again? And if so will that make everything seem normal? Or will it hurt just as badly? Will I be able to enjoy Christmas?
And then there’s the thought of getting pregnant again. I yearn so badly to have a child…But what if I’m distant from my child out of fear I might lose them too…
Although it hurts even to this day, I still stink about everyone who lent a hand when I was in need. My sister was the very first to know- she called me after my ultrasound wanting a picture her niece or nephew…but instead I couldn’t stop crying because there was no baby. Just a black blob on the screen indicating that the baby had stopped growing at around 5 or 6 weeks. “I didn’t see a baby in there”-those words echoed in my brain the entire drive home and for the rest of the night.
But I was so surrounded by love. My sister, my mom, my grandmother- who has had 3 miscarriages, a loved and admired seminary teacher who also went through this, and a sister I will never forget inside the temple.
As I lay in our bed with my heart broken, I prayed. I begged my Heavenly Father to take away the pain. I was hurting so terribly. But He didn’t take away the pain. The doctor said there wouldn’t be a for sure answer until 3 days later when my blood test results came back. But I got my answer. I knew this was the end of this pregnancy. I knew it in my heart.
The next day I called in to work- I was an emotional wreck. After calling in, I told Derek that we needed to go to the temple. I knew it was the only thing that would help me to feel peace.
As I sat inside I felt calm. I thought that going to the temple would take away my pain but it didn’t. But I felt so much love from my Heavenly Father that I knew He was there. A sister sat next to me as we listened during the session. I couldn’t stop crying. This woman had no idea who I was or what I was going through, but she took my hand and gave me a hug and whispered, “This too shall pass” She held my hand and cried with me for the next hour.
It reminded me that we are all children of God. I always knew that, but this stranger’s love made me remember.
I knew right from the beginning that I had to choose how to fell about the situation I was in. I could either be angry and go through it alone, Or trust in God and rely on my faith.
I have never in my life been in more emotional or physical pain than I was then. I was so sure that because of the faith I had, that God would take away my pain. But that is not the point of trials. I know that I could not have gone through it without Heavenly Father because the pain was so intense. I had no way to ease the pain. I couldn’t sleep. Eating didn’t help, there was nothing that would make the pain any less severe. That’s when I realized- All I had left to rely on was faith. Having faith did not take away the pain. Not in the slightest. But it made me stronger. It made me able to bear the pain. It brought me so much closer to my Savior. I can not begin to describe how loved I felt during that time. I felt like God was holding my hand the entire time. Like he was giving me a hug and telling me I was going to be OK.